NEVER NEVER AGAIN – Missing Conferences #8

OK did you notice that I intentionally skipped a few days since number nine? It’s what we, in the writing business, call building anticipation. In addition to the skipped time all three of the previous posts mentioned Jammies. That’s GOTTA be an anticipation builder. I’m not going to say right now that this is the post, but it might be.

There are some things to go over first.

A writers conference brings a lot of wonderful and exciting images to my mind, as I’m sure it does with you as well. OK so we’ve talked about the food (in #10) and luxury (in #9) what in the world do you suppose could possibly be next?

The agents? Editors? Famous authors? Not so famous author?

What about the Someday-Gonna-GET-THERE folks? After all isn’t getting there SOMEDAY a huge part of what these conference are all about? Damn BETCHA!

Being the nerd that I am I kind of worked through the following scenario. OK let’s say we have a conference like PPWC or Colorado Gold and – for the sake of easy math on an old brain – lets say there are 400 attendees. So, lets also assume that the conference is Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, with a special series of Masters Classes on Thursday. OK on Thursday, 100 attendees sign up for the Master Classes – but of the 100, 20 can’t attend the full conference while the remaining 80 do. Hmmm, the square root of Rhubarb Pi times, 80 times the speed of an Evelyn Wood superstar divided by the Cube Root of Ice, leaves a projected 5,320 AHCH ¹ so far. Then on Friday another 320 people check in. Using the mathenometry we used before, that adds another 15,360 AHCH for a total of 20860.

Now, some of you out there think that this isn’t enough – and maybe five of you think it’s too much. I’m ignoring the 8.7 Billion who really couldn’t give a hoot. The main reason my mathenometry ³ and yours don’t match is likely that I also made sure to calculated in some sleepenometry ⁴ . Which reduces the AAABH ² (25,160) by about 18%. Now we take these numbers and multiply the heart palpitations by the ounces of Hazenut latte added to the (ounces of chocolate martinis and Jose specials)^3, I figure about 68,933 conversations taking place. I’m going to take a minute and bold it.

Approximately 68,933 conversations taking place between conference open and conference close. Which means…..

NEVER, EVER AGAIN Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine..

OK so the HoarseMan lied. In Monday’s preview of the first D.P.D.O. series, he mentioned that the number 10 item on the list would have something to with Jammies. Well, it didn’t. Get over it.

If the HoarseMan was an apologetic type, he would insert a sincere apology at this point and PROMISE that Number NINE would contain something about Jammies. Well, there you go. I’ve already used it twice in this post, and that’s enough for now. Get over it.

That topic, don’t want to actually mention Jammies again because I’m concerned that you will get your hopes up, will have an entire article at some time in the future, but HoarseMan is not committing to any specific date or time. So…

Today, Hoarseman is going to talk about bathtubs… with a lady showing the best way to use one. B^)

NEVER, EVER AGAIN – Missing Conferences #10

OK, so there are a gazillion great things about writers conferences, and if you’re any kind of writer at all you’ve certainly heard one or two of them. I’m gonna toss out just a few off the top of HoarseMan’s pointy (OK, my more hairy than pointy, but getting a lot less so every day) head.

• Learning lots of stuff from qualified instructors
• Meeting new writers from around the country if not the world
• There is usually a bar.

Oh, yeah. The FOOD! The food at some conferences can verge upon greatness. That which doesn’t is usually pretty darned good. The Marriott hotel in Colorado Springs (home of the Pikes Peak Writers Conference) does the best job EVER at handling allergies in large meal preparation. As you’ll see in the photo below.

Starting TODAY! HoarseMan’s Very First D.P.D.O.

Everyone in the known universe has created  decimam ad prima in descendenum ordo at least ONCE in their lives, probably more, maybe even more than TEN. Triggered by a notice about registration for the 2013 Pikes Peak Writers Contest, HoarseMan happily (OK, maybe not so much…) presents NEVER, EVER AGAIN – a treatise in top ten list format on why a writer, a serious writer, should NEVER, EVER go a full year (actually at least 18 months — Hoarseman’s last was RMFW on the 10th anniversary of 9/11) without a attending, presenting at, or organizing, a writer’s conference .

Here’s a sneak preview…